can you STOP

*lil b voice* They’re tryna take my life

Me: Son, are you taking a drug?

Son: Yes.

Me: Fuck wasn’t expecting that

Me on my deathbed: Do you want… this… spearmint DICK?! 

I’m really about to be 21 and I’m on the fucking internet writing apocalyptic Drake lore

Drake gathers his subjects and commands them to build a shrine made of Trukfit products. He must once again summon forth Lil Wayne so that they can discuss what to do next with this new planet. Drake thinks about calling The Weeknd but it is too late for that. He feels it in his heart. He is saddened for a moment but feelings are for the weak. And he must be strong.

Drake “The Drake” Drake crawls from his cocoon. He is no longer the Blood Harbinger and he is powerless in this brave new world. He does not regret the resetting of time via blood torrents, he sees only progress. He has purged the weak. He has finally achieved the dream of his friend and mentor: TV’s Gordon Ramsay

do you know how hard it is to be the shortest dude on the basketball team??

Me neither I wasn’t even considered

People! I am everyone’s friend!

Except you *points at Chris Martin of Coldplay*

I just poked myself in the eye

I just tried me? How dare I try me? Who do I think I am?!